Day 9 "The Dynamics of Relationships"

Do you ever feel yourself overly concerned by what people think of you or how they perceive you? How about what people think when they come to visit you in your home?

Do you have a tendency to get defensive quickly when someone makes a mild criticism your way or offers another opinion contrary to the one you just voiced? How about your relationships with your colleagues? Ever feel resentful when someone else in your work place gets the attention and accolades from others? Gets the raise and you don't? How about your relationship with your significant other, do find yourself wanting to place the responsibility upon that other person to complete you and make you whole? Do you find yourself making major issues out of the little things? These are just a mere sampling of the daily interactions that you and I have with others. Without really understanding the true dynamics going on in our relationships, we have a tendency to keep repeating the same actions and reactions, being trapped in the same mindset. Mostly, for many of us, our actions and responses spring forth out of our own insecurities and a mindset that sees ourselves more as the victim, merely responding to what someone else does to us. Seldom do we feel the not need to take responsibility for our own actions. Only when we can see the actual dynamics going on beneath our actions, can we truly find a better way to interact with others and take responsibility upon ourselves.

Pardon the great art work, but I think stick figures

will accomplish what I hope to communicate. (Much

cheaper than hiring an illustrator) Most of us, if

honest, value ourselves through the eyes and actions

of others. We perceive ourselves to have the value

that others give us. As long as you and I, or you and

someone else, are on the same level or playing field,

we are equals and peace and harmony reign. It could

be based on things like financial status, education, notoriety, achievements, where we live, just to name a few. However, when a sense of inequality sets in, we begin to feel threatened, causing fear, dissension, and anxiety to begin creeping in.

But throughout most of our lives, from a worldly perspective that is, we seldom find ourselves on the same level playing field with those around us- hence, the ever continuing effort and desire to be like our neighbors, our friends, and our colleagues. When you sense inequality with others, do you begin to feel your defense mechanisms kicking in and start getting defensive? Do you feel yourself entering a survival mode? There is a built-in mechanism that seems to sabotage our relationships. It is called fear. Can you see it in the illustration with the words threatened and defensive. In our unhealthy sense of thinking, we are fearful of others becoming greater than ourselves. We, therefore, find it difficult to lift others up and to see them succeed for to do so might jeopardize our position in what was once a level playing field. Do I become less if someone else around me succeeds? When our mindset is focus on ourselves, and we derive our esteem from those around us, we find ourselves constantly evaluating ourselves to see where we stand in those relationships. In an unhealthy mindset, we see others' success at the expense of feeling lower ourselves.

Now, consider the opposite. What if I can put you

down and get others to help? In my warped sense of

thinking and understanding, would that not make

me more superior than you? This is the classic

reason for why people bully others. I should know, I

lived as one for a few years during my elementary

school years. Notice, nothing in me changed. But

by putting you down, relationally, I now perceive

myself as being higher and better than you. Nothing personal. Just relational. So, I thought. And in an imperfect world, ever wonder why we are always trying to keep up with or surpass the Joneses?

The question may already have arisen in your mind, if we are so dependent upon others for how we seem to be perceived ourselves and our self-esteem, isn't there a healthier way to detach from such dependency and sever this tether that binds us to one another. I believe

that there is. But for that change to take place and happen, there must be a force and power great enough to override our need to be valued by others and be freed from our dependency on their acceptance.

Enter God's unconditional love and acceptance. When we are loved by a love not conditioned upon how we perform or who we are, we are free to find and discover ourselves. There is only one love perfect enough to accomplish this task- God's love.

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of

God! And that is what we are!"

1 John 3:1

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes

in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his son into the

world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

John 3:16-17

"Perfect love casts out all fear."

1 John 4:18

"We love because He first loved us."

1 John 4:19

"For we maintain that a person is justified by faith apart from the works of the law."

Romans 3:28

When it is by faith, that you come to an understanding of God's love for you, that He is for you and not against you, that His love is so great for you that He sent His only son, Jesus, to die on the cross and pay the penalty for your sins in order to reconcile you back into a loving relationship with Him, then will you find and discover a love great enough to set you free from the dependence upon others. Only in the security and acceptance of such love, will you be released from your fears and find the freedom and ability to love others.

God's grace and love changes everything!

See you tomorrow.....