A few years ago, I joined a group of people headed
out to spend a week on the Outer Banks of North
Carolina. My primary objective was to set aside
time in this creative environment to begin writing a
book about God's love for each one of us that had been on my heart and mind to write. However, it soon became apparent to me that I would have difficulty setting aside any time with so many enjoyable opportunities making themselves available to me. But I did manage one evening to get away by myself and walk alone along the beach beneath the stars-studded sky.
Nothing profound readily came to my mind, so I just allowed my mind and thoughts to drift and reminisce over my past. Slowly, the memories drifted by. As more of the memories made there way to me, I felt some old shame beginning to stir within me. It was easy to see in retrospect that I had grown up in a dysfunctional family environment. Much of the unwarranted shame that my brother and I carried through life was the result of our father not owning up to his own brokenness and failings to bear the weight himself for his own shortcomings. Having abandoned us for most of our childhood years, my father actions left indelible scars of fear and anxiety within us to contend with. Tears began to well up in my eyes. How tragic! Even when we are adults we can still carry and relive such painful memories of things that took place so many years ago! So, here I was, finding myself, again, being robbed of enjoying the moment because of underlying fears and anxieties. Looking above, I looked deeper, beyond the stars that I saw, seeking help from a greater source than I could empower from myself- I sought out God.
"Okay, God," I pleaded, "I need to see your love for me in a different way. Provide for me a paradigm shift in my thinking. Because frankly, if I am being really honest, here, I feel like I am in a boxing ring with you and you are in the opposing corner keeping tabs on my good's and my bad's. And I feel that if I screw up just one to many times, that you, too, will throw in the towel like my dad and climb out of the ring and give up on me." Well, nothing revealed itself to me that that night. No audible words that suddenly descending from on high. No sudden enlightenment. I found myself alone with only the sounds of the waves to console me. and keep me company. I was grateful, at least, that no thunderbolt was sent to strike me down for questioning God and expressing my hurts and insecurities. I left the beach that week clearly disappointed with the silence I experienced.
But about three months later, as I way making my way somewhere, I heard a voice within me ask me this question, "Mark, what did you do to earn my love?" Clearly, God had grabbed my attention. Following a few moments of reflection I responded, "Nothing." "Then, what can you do to lose it?" was his immediate response. My mind began to ponder and meditate upon the words just spoken to me. For the next several weeks I continued to kick these thoughts around in my head. Then, in a moment of clarity and understanding, I had been given my paradigm shift. Suddenly, it occurred to me, "What if I had gotten it all wrong. What if everything about God and the boxing ring were untrue? What if, rather than being in the opposing corner against me, God was really in my corner all this time as my confidant and trainer, that He was really for me and not against me?" Tears of deep gratitude began to fill my eyes as I began to recall and reflect on some of the things that I had come across reading in God's word to us- the Bible:
"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
Hebrews 13:5
"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven
and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may
strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that Christ
may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and
established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to
grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ."
Ephesians 3:14-18
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or
persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
Romans 8:35
"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,
neither present nor future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor
anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God this
is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do
with punishment."
1 John 4:18
When it is that our earthly fathers fail us, leaving us short of love and acceptancee that is needed to provides a healthy foundation from which to live out our lives, the love of our Heavenly Father is more than sufficient to compensate and steps in, take up the pieces, and make us whole. The rest of your life's story has, yet, to be written. Rest assure that if you are struggling right now, feeling lost and alone, carrying around a lot of unwanted shame, that God loves for you is unconditional and abundant-you didn't earn it nor can your messes screw it up. It is His gift to you. Unmerited. It is not based on what you have done, but simply upon who you are. You are a part of God's creation, and through Christ, you are reconciled back into a family relationship with God as one of his children, Live your life, then, knowing that you are loved, that God is for you and not against you! Lift your head up.
You are not alone. We have all messed up at one point or another. But it is time to let Christ take away and carry your shame for you. Nothing, no nothing, can separate us from the love of God!
Meet you here, again, next time...
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