Day 17 "The Keys To My Heart"

Ever felt like the person sitting right next to you is 10,000 miles away from you? I have. I think many of us have felt that way one time or another in a marriage that ended up in divorce. It is a lonely, haunting place filled with little affection and acceptance. On the other hand, you might have someone else physically far away from you but, yet, feel their love and acceptance as though that person was sitting right next to you! If given the choice between the two, which would you pick? I would gladly embrace the latter.

Okay, so I admit it. Looking back in the rear view mirror of life with hindsight, I was fairly broken going into my first marriage. My life was controlled by underlying shame, a lack of purpose to guide me, brokenness from relationships, haunting loneliness, anxiety concerning the brevity of life and the inevitability of death, and an endless stream of intrusive thoughts- most of them harmful or bizarre. Looking back, I am somewhat surprised that I was able to function through life at all! But I did, albeit dysfunctionally. I lived my life in survival mode, Thus, in my unhealthiness, I probably placed too many expectations on my first wife to be the one whose love and acceptance would fix and complete me.

There is a word in the field of psychology that best describes an over dependency on another person for one's health and well-being. It is called codependency. In Pia Mellody's book, Facing Codependence, the author introduces the reader to what codependency is:

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In certain men and women, normal human feelings such as shame, fear, pain, and anger are so magnified that these people are almost always in an emotional state marked by anxiety and feelings of being irrational, dysfunctional, and /or crazy. These people often find themselves overacting to everyday happenings, experiencing feelings far more excessive than appropriate for a given situation. This emotional factor of codependence can sabotage our health as well as our relationships. And yet these people operate as if they believe that only by being "perfect" in all they do or by pleasing the people around them can they calm the out-sized, uncontrollable, and irrational feelings that tyrannize them. By this attitude they unconsciously make those people important and their approval responsible for their happiness. A closer examination reveals in them a powerful need to control and manipulate those around them into giving them the approval they believe they need. But all their efforts are of no use in the long run, because no one can take away the overwhelming part of their feelings. The disease is amazingly difficult to see from the outside because its sufferers wear a mask of adequacy and success designed to win the all-important approval.

But these slaves of powerful, seemingly groundless compulsive feelings are doomed to be on an endless treadmill of personal failure and intensified experience of shame, pain, fear, and repressed anger. The key to its abatement and affect upon our lives is personal wholeness. The more we move into the realm of wholeness, the less dependent we are upon others to met our needs.

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"That's me!" I remember thinking to myself the first time I read this description of codependency. For the first time in my life, I felt like I could understand what was really going on inside of me and take steps to move my life in a more positive, healthy direction. There were a number of helpful things that Facing Codependency illuminated for me, far too many to recall here. But if you, too, feel like you can identify with being codependent, may I suggest a couple of great books to read on the subject that really helped me:

Facing Codependency by Pia Mellody

Love is a Choice by Thomas Nelson

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

For those of you who aren't readers, who find it a great task to undertake, please make the effort. This is your life that we are talking about! Here is a formula for change. As you can see, it is dependent first upon acquiring knowledge.

Knowledge -> Understanding->Action->Change of Habits->Change of Character

The tragedy for many of us is that we continue to run on the same treadmill of life without really understanding why it is we continue to do what we do. As Alan Wright, senior pastor at Reynolda Church in Winston-Salem, NC would say:

"Until the pain of the shame is great enough to overcome the fear of embarrassment from people knowing who you really are, you will not move in the direction to seek help."

You really can't make much of a positive impact and contribute to the well-being of others until you find healthiness and wholeness within yourself. This is a great reason for making the effort and time to read the Bible, God's words to us, that moves our spirit and helps us to see ourselves as God's see us. When we do, we can begin taking steps forward towards healing and wholeness.

"For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it

penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts

and attitudes of the heart." Hebrew 4:12

There was one concept that I discovered among these three books that really changed my life and may prove helpful to you as well. It is called detachment. It is the process by which we let go of other people's opinions and feelings of us so that we are no longer tethered and attached to them for our self-esteem and identity. "Others" can be identified as any person or thing who you perceive to have influence on you: spouse, ex-spouse, boss, children, friends, job, wealth, education, etc. Imagine in your mind saying, "I am not going to allow this person or thing any longer to be the major influence as to who I am as a person. You no longer define me!" My ex-wife once said to me that being around me was like walking on egg shells that are easily broken. She never knew what to say or how to say it to me for concern that I would overreact. Or said another way, it was like always walking on thin ice around me. When the light of codependency illuminated my understanding to why I was acting and reacting the way I had been, I was able to see and embrace detachment. No longer was I going to try and manipulate others to meet my emotional needs. And in doing so, I was able to allow everyone around me to be free to be themselves. When I finally made allowance for their freedom, I experienced freedom for myself.

So, without others, where did I find my self-esteem and well-being? ( See days 8 & 9 in the blogs). I found it in the Jesus Christ, my Lord!

" I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help

comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber." Psalms 121:1

By its own definition, wholeness simply implies that nothing is lacking. In a world that is beset with self-centered, insecure people (ourselves included), mostly focusing upon themselves and their own needs, where is it possible to find such love and acceptance free from condition, performance, and expectation? I invite you to take a look at God's love. Though the world would cry out and declare that such belief about a God and his love is nonsense, nothing but a crutch to lean upon, I propose, in the spiritual realm, it is an absolute truth!

Let the spirit within you reflect upon what took place through Jesus on the cross. Let you heart marinate on the love that made it possible to endured the cross. Let you conscious mind explore the ramifications of what it would really mean for you if this was all true. If there was no resurrection of Jesus, his coming back to life again, then their is no Christianity and all those who profess in their faith to have such a belief should be considered fools. ( 1 Corinthians 15) BUT, Jesus is alive! And being alive, what hope and joy this can provide for you.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I

am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angel nor demons, neither the

present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in

all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:37-39

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning

sacrifice for our sins." 1 John 4:10

"This is how god showed his love among us; He sent his one and only Son into the world

that we might live through him. 1 John 4:9

"But God demonstrated his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ

died for us." Romans 5:8

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." John 8:36

"Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free." John 8:32

"The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the

glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth."

John 1;14

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?" Romans 8:35

"I will never leave nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

And it was the Apostle Paul's heart and desire for us to know this love:

"14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family[a] in heaven and

on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen

you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in

your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,

18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long

and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses

knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Ephesians 3:14-19

Imagine yourself driving a car down the road. As you are driving, you perceive that there is a man up ahead wanting to get a ride. As you reach him, suddenly the spirit within you reveal that this is no ordinary man, but Jesus himself! For most of us, we will invite Jesus to get into the back seat and come along with us for the ride- we are the ones staying in control of our lives focusing on all the things in life that begs and woos our attention. But Jesus isn't interested in taking the back seat. In fact, he doesn't even want to be co-pilot in the front seat next to you. What Jesus desires is for us to hand Him the car keys and let him drive us! His desire is for his spirit to live in us, in a symbiotic relationship, and love us and love others through us.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5

The problem that is systematic in our world today is that we all want to drive our own car and drive it our own way. Jesus calls us to a greater understanding and a deeper walk into love. He wants the car keys to your car. For what Jesus did upon the cross enduring the crucifixion, for asking forgiveness for the very soldiers who were killing him, my heart broke realizing all the love Jesus had for us that enable him to go to the cross on our behalf.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set

before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of

the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

In my heart and mind I acknowledged, "Here you go, Jesus! Here are the keys to my car and anything else that you desire, including my heart." His love and acceptance has changed my life! He is the one making me whole! I am sure He can change your life, too!

Tomorrow,: We'll look at how Jesus is the Vine and we are the branches. Apart from him, we can do nothing.